*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
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KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.