The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
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*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”