Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
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[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right