*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Ken is short for chicken
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not