My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
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9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
channeling her this year
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me