Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️