Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
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I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
#polloftheday
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
The French cow says MEUX…
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.