@alexlumaga

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

@alexlumaga

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

@alexlumaga

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

@alexlumaga

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

@alexlumaga

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

@alexlumaga

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

@alexlumaga

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

@alexlumaga

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

@alexlumaga

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

@alexlumaga

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*