So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.