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Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”