Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
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white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
guys I’m going home
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
The photographer’s assistant
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.