My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
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*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
This took me a second..
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.