A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Pat is about to own someone
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’