Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
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Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
😅🤣😂
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
They’re the worst 😩
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
i did the math
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas