“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”