NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Its a hippotatomus
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Worth the read.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”