Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on