Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
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nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
At least try to make it slightly believable
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties