Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
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*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Wait a second…
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.