how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help