The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
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Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does