If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
You Might Also Like
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real