No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
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[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric