at ease…shoulder.
You Might Also Like
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
taking June’s advice to heart