Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
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Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
This makes total sense…
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.