The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*