My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
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Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla