Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
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Good Morning.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂