DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?