Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@amandajpanda

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

@amandajpanda

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

@amandajpanda

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

@amandajpanda

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

@amandajpanda

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

@amandajpanda

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

@amandajpanda

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?