Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
You Might Also Like
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.