[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
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Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
tourist season
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
next question.
me before I type out affect or effect
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”