After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
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9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
The 4 stages of a family vacation
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Oh yeh? Explain this then
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.