when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.