Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
You Might Also Like
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*