My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
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My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Want to talk trash? Recycle.