Oh the world we live in…
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.