If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I will never stop laughing at this
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro