Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
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i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
*limbos under the caution tape
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G