My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot