@amishschool: Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

@amishschool: Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

"OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS."

@amishschool: A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by "crippling them financially" so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@amishschool: Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

@amishschool: * Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

@amishschool: My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

@amishschool: Guy stole my identity this week and I'm like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

@amishschool: Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

@amishschool: Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.