@amishschool

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

@amishschool

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

@amishschool

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

@amishschool

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@amishschool

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

@amishschool

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

@amishschool

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

@amishschool

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

@amishschool

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.