@amishschool Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
@amishschool @amishschool Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
@amishschool Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
@amishschool A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
@amishschool Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
@amishschool * Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
@amishschool My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
@amishschool Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
@amishschool Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
@amishschool Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.