@amishschool

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

@amishschool

Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@amishschool

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

@amishschool

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

@amishschool

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

@amishschool

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

@amishschool

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

@amishschool

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

@amishschool

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.