My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.