My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
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if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
i did the math
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Cannot stop laughing at this
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!