It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
When you’ve simply given up.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.