houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
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Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Anyone want a chair?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
i can’t wait that long
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?