Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of amselts's best tweets

@amselts : *cleans house while wife's out* W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so- M: APRIL FOOL'S *runs around making huge mess til it's worse than before*

@amselts: [being strapped to a medieval torture table]

"tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack"

@amselts: GIRL: l'm tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

@amselts: Instead of expecting your wife to make you dinner every night like it's 1950, man up and develop a cocaine habit so you don't need to eat.

@amselts: After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance "The Human" by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet