@amydillon: My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn't hear me.
@amydillon: [pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
@amydillon: My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."
@amydillon: I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
@amydillon: Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I'm really good at yelling at people.
@amydillon: HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
@amydillon: "Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting."
-my son, blaming the victims
@amydillon: Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
@amydillon: BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.