@amydillon

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

@amydillon

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

@amydillon

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

@amydillon

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

@amydillon

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

@amydillon

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

@amydillon

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

@amydillon

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

@amydillon

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

@amydillon

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.