Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of amydillon's best tweets

@amydillon : "Daddy's not home, so for dinner we're having a smorgasbord!" I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

@amydillon: My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn't hear me.

@amydillon: [pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

@amydillon: My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."

@amydillon: I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

@amydillon: Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I'm really good at yelling at people.

@amydillon: HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

@amydillon: "Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting."

-my son, blaming the victims

@amydillon: Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

@amydillon: BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.