ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
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friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Someone just threatened to call me later
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
God has left this place
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream