If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
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What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver