“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am