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My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?